I Give You All
by BlackRoseDragonCK
Summary: One-shot, post-MGS4. White-white the world and white the sand beneath his feet. He sees nothing, feels nothing...but he knows something is there. He knows that she is there somewhere...but he cannot find her. Slicked with sweat, Raiden sat up in bed. "Ugh...that nightmare again..." RaidenxRose story but nothing super shippy.


**I DO NOT OWN METAL GEAR OR ALL THAT I AM BY ROB THOMAS (SANTANA)**

**What's up :D? I'm here with another RaidenxRose story! This is a post-MGS4 fic that deals with Raiden's nightmare issues. It is set to the Rob Thomas song, "All That I Am," which is a really beautiful song if you haven't heard it. If you don't like Rose, you may not want to read this. Anyways, please enjoy :D!**

**XXX**

_I am the one-winged bird for flying, sinking quickly to the ground_

_See your faith in me subsiding, see you prime for giving in._

_I give you all that I am._

_I am the sound of love's arriving, echoed softly on the sand_

_Lay your head upon my shoulder, lay your hand within my hand_

_I give you all that I am._

_White-white all around like a blizzard, like a dove's wings, like the few human features he still possessed, like the pure soul he did not. _

_ White is the sand beneath his feet-the sand of a desert, though he knows it is not a desert. Dry, desolate, disconcerting, in any other mind, it is the Sahara. But he knows it is not-for it lacks the warmth and the hope for an oasis. _

_ One foot in front of the other, keep moving forward. Silvery mist surrounds like swirling snow flurries. He cannot see ahead, nor can he glance behind. This place, so barren and white, holds horrors beyond the imagination he knows. Yet, he cannot see a thing. _

_ He is like a blind man walking through a land of nightmares. He knows it is there and he cannot perceive it. But he can still hear..._

_ "Jack...Jack..."_

_ Her voice, soft and indistinct, but there nonetheless. He follows. He sees nothing._

_ "Jack...Jack."_

_ Again, her tone soft, like a whisper riding on the wind. He follows his name, feeling like a ship lost in a storm, searching for a lighthouse._

_ "Jack!" Urgency creeps into something pure like poison in an apple. His feet move faster through the world of sand and white. His vision remains hazy._

_ "Jack, where are you?" She cries and her voice seems to come from no particular direction. "Why don't you come?"_

_ He stops. He turns, desperation closing its cold fingers around a heart he does not truly feel. His heart already bears the mechanical coldness of a manmade apparatus and the chill of the feeling surprises him. _

_ "Jack!" She screams. Now, her voice echoes from all directions. "Jack please come! Don't abandon me!"_

_ The inorganic organ within him threatens to burst. Panic encircles him like a vice as his feet pound the tenuous earth. It gives way constantly beneath him, making his movements slow, as if underwater. Though he is still in this desert that is not a desert. _

_ If he could only reach her, see her, touch her, hold her, tell her that he is here. But his eyes are sightless, his metal fingers devoid of sensitivity, his arms incapable of reaching, his voice unable to shout. _

_ The feeling is still there-the adoration and ardency. But there is nothing he can do to slake its thirst. He can only fall to his knees as her voice fades and lose himself in this world of sand and white. _

_And I breathe when you breathe..._

_Let me stand where you stand..._

_With all that I am. _

* * *

_I am the white dove for a soldier ever-marching as to war_

_I would give my life to save you; I stand guarding at your door_

_I give you all that I am._

_I am the one-winged bird for flying sinking quickly to the ground_

_I'm a blind man for a watchdog; I am prime for giving in_

_I give you all that I am._

"Jack...Jack!"

The cyborg's eyes flew open. He sat up with a strangled gasp. Gone the white and gone the sand-soothing shadows and silvery moonlight now surrounded him. This was reality. The other world had been but a dream.

Raiden couldn't sweat anymore, but he still experienced that jittery, adrenaline-pumped sensation that came after nightmares. He panted laboriously, squeezing his ice-hued eyes shut.

"It's okay. Just breathe."

Raiden sucked in air through his nose and let it out through his mouth. He ran a hand through his ashen hair before letting it fall back onto the mattress.

The moon shining through the sliding glass door made his bedroom seem to glow. He was certain that he himself looked downright cadaverous in its sickly glow, his milky skin practically blending with the white bed sheets. Moreover, that nightmare definitely hadn't helped his paleness any...

"God, I hate sleeping..." the soldier croaked. It was wasn't as bad as it had been when he was younger, but he was still plagued by frequent PTSD nightmares.

A soft form pressed against his back. A hand slipped into his while a chin rested on his shoulder.

"It's all right, Jack..." Rose murmured calmingly. "It was only a dream."

A sigh of relief escaped him. Finally, he had found her. She was here with him-no longer lost in some snow-colored void, screaming his name while he stumbled blindly after her. Raiden leaned into her gentle touch. He felt her breathing against his back. Comforted by her well-being, he too allowed himself to breathe slowly while his heart rate gradually stabilized.

Silence was prevalent for several moments, broken only by the occasional whir of a car on the street below their apartment complex. Then came the restlessness. Sometimes, Raiden wished that his nightmares would take on a solid form. At least then he could go after them with a crackling HF blade. But no, they were perfectly intangible-maddeningly out of reach.

Raiden gave his wife's hand a final squeeze before swinging his long legs out of bed. His bare feet padded across the carpet toward the apartment's balcony.

"I'm gonna get some air."

He was clad only in his pale blue pajama pants, but he didn't care. Sweat or no sweat, he was pining for the 3 a.m. breeze.

Let the world see his ghoulish pallor. Let them gawk in horrified fascination at the surgical lines marring his skin like stitches. Let them see all that he was and ever would be.

_And I breathe when you breathe_

_Let me stand where you stand_

_With all that I am._

* * *

The white-blooded soldier supposed that his life could be justified...or at least pardoned. Abused in every possible way, he had been forced to take part in the terrible atrocities he'd committed as a child. Nowadays, he was sent into the field, not as a killing machine, but as a surefire way to put an end to strife. He was a sort of...harbinger of peace.

Raiden could tell himself to let go of his past and he could have faith in his future all he wanted. For the things that truly haunted him however, such a sentiment didn't do a cursed thing. His mind was never in a good state when it was left to its own devices for too long. He always needed someone, someone cherished and trusted, to reassure him. It was as if he were a blind men relatively certain of his surroundings, but in dire need of someone to confirm that he was right.

Leaning his forearms on the balcony railing, Raiden stared at the dark streets below him. It was strange. He would protect those he loved with feral intensity until he drew his last breath-he would willingly sacrifice himself if it meant saving them. Yet he _needed them_ desperately to keep him from falling into the blackness that perpetually threatened to eclipse his heart.

The irony coaxed a light chuckle from the cyborg's pale lips. He relaxed a little as the cool wind wafted through his hair. It was a quiet night in this residential sector. Only a few cars passed by every now and then. Even fewer windows were illuminated in the complex across from him. Raiden was sure that he was the only one in his building awake at this ungodly hour. Well, he and one other person...

Raiden sensed her even before she opened the glass door. Living with the problems they'd had, facing the terrors they'd faced, had bound them closer together than he had ever thought possible.

Rose quietly joined him on the balcony. She had wrapped herself in a lilac dressing robe and her dark hair was pulled up in a messy bun. Her skin shone like porcelain in the moonlight. Coming to stand beside her husband, the woman gazed up at the serene sky.

"I tried to leave you alone for awhile," she said. "But I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Raiden smiled, sliding an arm around her shoulders. "I'm fine, Rose. Like you said-it was just a dream."

He was being dismissive and she knew it. Rose fixed him with the same look she'd given him at Big Shell when he'd told her that nothing was wrong. Glancing away, Raiden felt his face grow hot. Sometimes he wished that Dr. Madnar had not given his civilian frame so many human functions. He could have done well without blushing...

His wife sighed. "Jack, I'm a psychological counselor. I know that nightmares mean something-a memory, maybe a conscious or subconscious fear. So, which is it?"

The soldier was silent as a forsaken battlefield. His shadowed eyes stared down at a flickering street lamp. He really didn't want to tell her. To tell her would be to admit the fears he'd been trying so desperately to suppress to himself. Furthermore, Raiden wasn't one to openly broadcast the gruesome images of his horrific past. But then, things had not gone well the last time he had kept such thoughts bottled up inside...

In a low tone, he answered, "...All of the above, I guess."

The brunette studied his profile for several heartbeats. She then moved out of his arms so that she could face him more fully. "Tell me," she said, her face taking on a soft yet professional expression.

Raiden gritted his artificial teeth for a moment. He didn't want to relive the nightmare...but he had to. "I'm...in a world where everything is white. I can't see anything ahead, behind, or to the side of me. It's all just mist and...white."

"White, huh..." Rose's brows furrowed contemplatively. "Maybe because people used to call you 'White Devil'?"

"Maybe..."

"All right. Tell me more."

Rigid as a statue, Raiden thought a moment before proceeding. "...Even though I can't see anything, I somehow know that something awful surrounds me. I can't discern what it is, but...I know it's there and I know it's terrible. No matter how hard I try, though, I can't seem to feel anything."

Her brow creased a little as she thought, but she did not interrupt. Raiden felt his throat grow a bit tight with reluctance. He continued, "And...I can also hear a voice. It's...your voice, Rose."

The brunette shot him a surprised look. "Mine?"

"Yeah. You're calling out to me from all directions, but I can't see you. I run as fast as I can, looking everywhere...but I can't find you. You're..." he swallowed. "...lost to me."

The warrior's eyes were plaintively dim as he recalled the vile experience. Eager to drown his heart in forgetfulness again, he banished it away. He turned to his wife with a small, wry smile. "Well, Doc? What's the verdict?"

Rose was staring up at the moon as she thought. Her eyes looked like pools of molten chocolate. Leaning against the railing, she knitted her fingers together. She seemed to consider her words before speaking.

"Well...you know how when you see something over and over again, it tends to lost its novelty over time?"

Confused, he nodded slowly. "Yeah...?" he wasn't exactly sure what this had to do with anything.

"And...you also know that you've seen more war and bloodshed than anyone should have to experience in one lifetime. I can't imagine what it must have been like the first time you were put into such a setting. But after awhile...you got used to it."

Raiden's body was instantly rigid. He clutched the railing so hard that it would have dented had he been equipped with his combat form. His jaw clenched. He shook his head frantically.

"N-no, Rose, I..." He couldn't admit that. It made him feel like an pariah in his own home. He wasn't out-of-place...he wasn't deranged...he wasn't a beast...he...

The warrior had finally gotten her back. As much as he hated admitting fear...the thought of losing her once again, losing this happiness he had coveted for so long, petrified him.

But Rose neither stormed off nor launched into a scathing lecture. "Jack," she murmured, placing her hand on his arm. "I promise I'm not judging you. I just have to approach this from a psychological standpoint...and to do that, the truth has to be stripped raw sometimes."

Her voice was soothing, her eyes gentle, her touch like a soothing salve on a wound. There was no harsh criticism in her face-only quiet understanding. There was no point in lying.

With a heavy sigh, he finally nodded. "Yeah...yeah, I guess you're right. After awhile everything lost its edge. The screams of battle weren't quite so disturbing and the stench of death lost some of its..." he let out another sharp breath. "...potency."

"Exactly," his wife rubbed his arm. "And that's probably what saved your mind as opposed to the boys who fought alongside you-you didn't dwell so heavily on it. The point of all this is...I think that the world of white in your dream signifies your past as a child soldier. You knew you were surrounded by unimaginable horrors, but you got used to them. It was almost like they didn't even affect you anymore."

Stress and panic racked the cyborg's mind once more. He squeezed the rail tighter and it actually creaked in protest. "I...I-I wouldn't say...that..." but he knew she was right. He couldn't bear to admit it. If he lost her, lost their son...he would have nothing more to live for. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let the Ripper destroy his life again...

Rose squeezed his arm. He turned his gaze to her and saw that her expression was frustrated-not because she didn't like the truth that was sluggishly coming to light. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to help him. This was the mistake Raiden had made last time-thinking that there was no way she would ever comprehend him. He had been wrong then...and perhaps he was wrong now.

Retaining her composed, professional outlook, the brunette said, "Herein lies the problem, Jack. The reason you can't find me in your dream is that you're purposefully shutting me out. You may sleep next to me now, but you're still reluctant to open up to me."

Raiden looked away. It was somewhat true. He had managed to get some of his nightmares under control, but he still struggled with sharing the demons of his past. It just...didn't seem conducive to a healthy relationship.

Drawing nearer to him, Rose placed a hand on his cheek and turned it toward her. "Jack, please let me in," she implored him. "I told you before that I accept the good and the bad. That's what you do for someone you love."

His lips curled wryly. "And I told you that this isn't one of those warm, fuzzy things couples share."

The woman sighed, turning her eyes skyward. She took a step backward from him. She placed her hands on her hips, regarding him with the fiery determination that he'd always found adorable in her.

"Jack, I was a spy for the Patriots. Do you think I'm proud of that? Do you think I haven't spent a few nights dwelling on the awful things I did? You may not see it now, but we're both in kinda the same boat. Neither of us can extirpate our pasts so we just have to accept them."

She was right. He knew she was right. Snake had told him something similar-that, despite the wicked maelstrom of his upbringing, he still had a chance to shine through the darkness.

"I've had several patients come to me about recurring nightmares," Rose went on. "I always give them a specific mental tactic for dealing with them. The next time you have the dream, visualize a way out. If you really concentrate, you should be able to escape it and the dreams will go away."

"Is it really that easy?" He still didn't meet her eyes.

"No. You have to think about the dream-really ponder how to get out of it. The only way I can see that happening is if you let me in." Rose took both his hands, pulling him closer to her. "Please do it, Jack. If you won't do it for you...then do it for me."

Finally, Raiden looked her in the eye. His gaze was hard and burned like the lightning that perpetually surrounded his blade. His heart rate spiked, as if he were getting ready to jump off the eighteenth story of a building into the unknown abyss. In a way, he supposed he was.

"Do you really think I can?" he asked her.

The woman smiled radiantly up at him. "Jack, you stopped Outer Haven from crushing Snake with one arm," she replied. "I think you can do anything if you put your mind to it."

Maybe she was right. After all, he had managed to keep the Ripper in check for a long time now. Maybe...he could rectify this situation as well.

"All right," Raiden smiled, sliding his arm around her waist. "I'll give you all that I am."

Beaming, Rose wrapped her arms around his neck. She laid her head on his chest, whispering, "Thank you..."

Raiden held her to him. Already it felt different...like she was closer than she ever had been before. Perhaps this wasn't such a bad idea. It would be difficult to break his inveterate penchant of hiding from himself...but maybe it would be worth it in the long run.

The soldier rested his chin atop her head and breathed. As she breathed against his chest, he knew...knew that it was because of her that he breathed. Without her, he was lost, drowning, isolated. She deserved all of him.

Rose lifted her head from his chest. Her eyes were a bit bleary as she smiled drowsily. "Let's get some sleep now."

* * *

_Once again the white, the stillness, the mist rolling lithely through a void of veiled horrors. Raiden stands in the world's center...or maybe it is at the world's edge, he cannot tell. Orientation and continuity are imaginary concepts in this ambiguous place. _

_ The unsettling sensation of uncertainty is as heady as always. However, there is something different now. He frowns. He cannot quite place what it is. Memory and logical thinking are infrequently utilizable tools when dreaming. But he could swear...swear that the earth feels a bit more solid beneath his feet._

_ "Jack...Jack..."_

_ There, her voice again. It would start out like a whisper on the breeze until it screamed like a raging tornado. _

_ "No, not this time," something tells him. _

_ He casts his pale eyes about the pale world and speaks. "I know you're here with me. I know you're here and you accept it."_

_ She does not respond. The world seems to grow a bit more still. A lump forms in his throat, but he pushes against the difficulty, as if fighting to pierce a force field. "I know that you love me...and that you accept all that I am."_

_ A gust of wind wafts by with a quiet howling sound. Nothing changes in his surroundings...but something definitely feels different. Raiden frowns, mentally assessing his own form. He has not moved. He has not lost anything. There is a small pressure on his hand..._

_ He looks down...and sees that a separate, delicate set of fingers are intertwined with his own. He follows them up a white-clad arm...until he meets a beauteous face framed by chocolate hair._

_ Immediately, a tremendous weight is lifted from his shoulders. For the first time in this place, he smiles. "I found you."_

_ Rose smiles warmly in return. _

_And I breathe when you breathe..._

_Let me stand where you stand..._

_With all that I am. _

**XXX**

**I'm going to try to write a MGS story that has Blade Wolf in it soon :). I hope you enjoyed and please, please review :D! Please no flames.**

**I DO NOT OWN METAL GEAR OR SANTANA'S ALL THAT I AM**


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